My heater is plotting a conspiracy.

I can’t turn my heater on high, so now I’m freezing my ass off. I have an electric heater in my room (because I obviously hate the environment) and it has three settings: Low, medium, high.
I have had this heater for about 3 years now, and it has been a very good heater to me. It always continued to warm me, even if I got wishy-washy and changed the settings four times in under an hour. If it’s plug got violently ripped out of a wall socket due to me tripping over it, it would continue on heating as soon as I plugged it back in, never even stopping to shock me.

Now my heater makes scary noises when it’s on High. I don’t know if it’s due to it being a cranky old man heater, or if it’s in part of the dust that may have accumulated inside of it over the years. Either way, those noises haunt my dreams.

Partly in fear of the heater spontaneously combusting, and partly in fear of it coming alive at night and burning me to death in my sleep, I have decided to keep it off the highest setting and instead accept a less terrifying setting of Medium.

They’re such terrible noises. If you’ve ever turned on a generator and have been able to hear the electricity beginning to start, yeah that’s pretty much it.

Heater, I’m truly very sorry for anything I may have done to you. My former actions were a mistake and I promise never to repeat them, but you can not continue to act out like this. It’s complete apostasy on your part, the likes of which I am in no mood to deal with at this time. Can you not feel, with your mechanical skin, how cold it is outside? Because at this moment in time, it seems to be 8 FUCKING DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.

I know I must have wronged you in some way, but please heater, accept my amends. This is getting ridiculous. Please don’t do this to me any more. At this rate I am going to have to hire someone to sleep with me at night to keep me warm, and I will not appreciate that.

Edit: I forgot to turn my heater off when I went to class this morning, and spent all day worrying about it catching on fire out of spite.


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