I never really liked crackers.

Earlier today when I was eating lunch I realized something; crackers are a lot like fairy dust if you laugh while they’re in your mouth. Your mouth is ordinarily dry after eating crackers, so when you laugh and they get propelled out of your mouth it just resembles dry dust. Maybe it’s just me, but it feels magical.

It never feels magical when the person across from you laughs and the cracker bits go into your mouth. Then it is a little like you kissed, and what if your friend is a grosso? What if you’re a grosso! What if your friend laughs, projects crackers into your mouth and is thinking “Oh god, it’s like I kissed her and she is gross!”

This is a fear of mine. That makes me seem crazy. Let me reassure you, I am not crazy. The fear is more a fear of rejection as opposed to a fear of my friend thinking we moderately kissed. This fear is especially awkward when I think maybe I want to ask a boy out. This is luckily not a problem anymore because I have my boyfriend now, but with my fear of rejections and his apathetic personality, I don’t really know how that happened.

IN THE BEFORE TIME, I just never asked a guy out and always had to rely on them asking me out, because I was always afraid of boys laughing or knocking my books out of my hands or saying “EW YOU’RE A GROSSO”, then knocking my books out of my hands and laughing as he walked away. Then he would tell all of his friends about the “loser girl who thought she had a chance with me” then all his friends would laugh at me only I wouldn’t know it because I would probably not be around them when that happened. Or even worse I would be at the table behind theirs and would overhear them and that would make me even more sad.

That scenario never played out for me (; ~;) BUT THE CRIPPLING FEAR OF IT ALWAYS KEPT ME FROM ASKING ANYONE OUT EVER. This would cause me to project my adoration to him in other ways. Of course, being afraid of dis-allowance into his love life I did not really want to transmit my rays of affection too viciously or he might catch on to my rues and Situation A would happen. Or I might knock him unconscious with my rays. This means I had to subtly send signs and hang around him all the time AND TRY TO MAKE HIM LOVE ME.

I often played out a lot of our past conversations in my head so I could plan what to say better. It got especially creepy when I would think about our future conversations that he didn’t know we were having. It got SIGNIFICANTLY creepy when I would comment on a previous conversation we had in my head and he would have no fucking idea what I was talking about.


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