Contrary to popular belief, I am not narcissistic. I’m just awesome.

I almost didn’t post this to day just for the sake of my overwhelming OCD that really isn’t that severe and only occurs during sporadic times of my life, but let’s look at what’s important.

I hate cameras, but whenever I see someone with an official camera, for the news or some shit, I always have a resounding urge to run in front of them naked and yelling. Or something of that nature. Not necessarily naked, that would just make us all uncomfortable.

Now, normally I avoid cameras at all cost as I’m self conscious, but not when those news and other important cameras, no sir! Quite frankly it doesn’t make any sense. No one but my friends see most of my pictures and that makes me uncomfortable, so I don’t know why I want to be seen by thousands via a television news broadcast. Actually, if there was a way to find out why I have that compulsion to jettison myself in front of those cameras on live television, I wouldn’t want to know. I’d probably keep myself up at night worrying about how paranoid I am.

And if it’s not live television, I’m even more annoyed by myself for wanting to streak by the cameras, because that means I ruined their shot and they have to take a new shot and edit more footage. Which makes me a dick.

I tried to do it once; fortunately I did not do it naked. I was strolling along with my mother as she was shopping- oh, a side note which may explain a few things about me, my mother had to keep me on a leash when I was little. More on that later. So we were shopping, and apparently the store had been robbed a few hours earlier so there were news reporters everywhere.

Being a 4 year old and lacking all of the self control I have currently, which really isn’t all that much, I decided to be on TV. When my mom dropped the leash, I began to climb up the shelves of food. God, I was such a fucking prodigy. Even at that age. I knew exactly how to get what I wanted.

As the cameras steadied on me, I arose triumphantly on the top shelf. My mom didn’t even notice until the people made an uproar.

Mom: SKYLAR NICOLE (my middle name, she only uses it when she’s furious. It’s one of the reasons I hate the name so much) YOU GET BACK DOWN HERE RIGHT THIS SECOND
Me: Nooooooo (I a said, in a singsong voice)
The cameras were on me, and my mom was not a fan. This was on the news. People would see, her, on the news. People would see her DELINQUENT CHILD, on the news. People, news, family, friends, publicity, embarrassment, reputations-
My mom started to climb the shelf.

I scrambled to stand, and looked around. The huge grin on my face quickly turned southward. My mom was going to get me. I didn’t really know what to do, so I waited. All eyes were on us, and three news cameras focused in on us. I could see the fury in my mothers eyes. She got up there, and nothing.

She didn’t really know what to do. She wasn’t going to spank me, or scream at me, she just stared at me. Unrelenting she stared, and I started to cry. Mom sighed and pulled me into her arms. “I need a ladder. I can’t carry my daughter down on my back.” One was supplied almost immediately. She made her way down, and was soon bombarded by questions.

“Why can’t you control your child?” “How could you let her climb up there?” “Weren’t you paying attention?”
My mom was very flustered, and left the store very quickly. The trip home was quiet, and I never took my eyes off the floor.

We got home, and my elder cousin had been staking out at the house for whatever reason I don’t recall right now, looked up from the television
“Angie!” He cried “You’re on TV!”
And there we were. My eyes lit up and I raced towards the TV
“LOOK MOMMY, JUST LIKE BLUES CLUES!” I shrieked.

We still have that news recorded on video somewhere, along with the time I tried desperately to be on an Oscar Mayer commercial. I was so adorable, what with my inability to spell
and huge, terrified eyes.

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