My cat likes to play make-believe. His favorite make-believe scenario is “I want to go outside.” He’ll scratch the screen door, pretending he knows he wants to be out there. Then when I open the door wide for him he’ll walk over and stick his face outside and keep his butt in the house.
There I am, stuck in a limbo of catdom. I’m holding the door wide open, trying to sway him to go all the way outside. Then he plops down. I have to lightly tap him with the door about three times before he finally decides to get up and go. Then he sits there on my porch and meows dramatically. Usually loud meows, reminiscent of an in-heat cat. Except he’s a boy.
My cat also likes to play the make-believe game where I’m the prey; lowly, self loathing, tired and slow; and he’s the hunter; magnificent, sleek, a warrior and always ready to pounce. So here I am, lowly prey doing lowly prey things like watching TV or talking to my boyfriend, and SWACK!
RIGHT IN MY FUCKING FACE AHH GOD DAMNIT ZEUS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU WEIGH 30 POUNDS.
And he starts to purr really loudly, very proud of himself. He kneads my legs, and makes a little nest.
That’s when he starts to play his other make-believe game. This make-believe game is “purr purr I’m so cute and I rub my face against you and I really want you to pet me” then I do, and he likes it, and he likes it, THEN HE BITES ME WHY ARE YOU BITING ME LET GO and he does let go, and he looks at me all proud of himself, and I throw him off my bed. He tries really hard to get back on my bed after that. He always looks really adorable while he does it.
Of course when he does try to get back up on my bed he takes the long way around, needlessly jumps on my table and knocks over everything on his way over to me, then starts to smack me on the eyeball.
Then at night-time and in the morning he likes to make-believe my hair is either spaghetti or cereal. I don’t really know which, and quite frankly it doesn’t matter because either way he tries to eat it.
He also likes to make-believe my boyfriends head is…..I’m not sure what he thinks my boyfriends head is. My cat headbutts my boyfriend right on the forehead. He only does it in the morning. It might just be his wake-up call, because even my cat understands that time is of the essence.