I am the ultimate catch.

So I’m a girl, and a terrible one at that. I’m the worst stereotypes you can throw together in a blender to make a fine female dip.

I don’t like football. I don’t understand it, I don’t find it all the interesting, and, quite frankly, I have no desire to learn about it. Luckily Boyfriend doesn’t care terribly about this. I actually don’t really like sports as a whole. I only really like sports if they’re in video game form, and even then I only like Gran Turismo because I enjoy the thought of smashing all the cars into pieces without me dying. I also like driving sims a lot. I’m just not a very physical person. I wish I were. I like tennis, but I don’t know if that really counts for anything at all. I run a lot when I play it though if that’s any consolation.

I also can’t lift heavy objects. So if they were to fall on me I would be subjected to a mans help. Because I can not lift a refrigerator. Especially not while I’m under it. I think that also means if a car were to land on my child I wouldn’t be able to lift it off of them even in a fit of adrenaline.

I also don’t know how to change a tire. It’s the sad truth. I ask my mom to teach me when I see her, but she always says “Oh Skylar, it’s really simple.” Then walks off. That’s not a real answer
If I were to ever be stranded because my tire is flat I would just be fucked.

Well, that’s not completely true. When I crashed into a guard rail some nice man came with his truck and put a chain on the front of my vehicle and on the back of his truck and basically forced the huge dent in my Jeep, which was scraping against my tire and making it impossible to drive, OUT OF THE METAL so that I could drive home, and he did it by using his awesome man power. So maybe some nice man would come with knowledge on how to use a jack and fix it for me.

I also like to watch chick flicks. Not all of the time, just some of the time. Don’t get me wrong, I love horror and comedy, but romance comedy I like even more.

On top of all the things I have that make me a horrific stereotypical girl, I seem to be missing all of the redeeming qualities of a stereotypical girl.

Like cooking. I can’t cook worth shit. My mom is a chef, and I can not cook. The closest lesson I ever had on cooking is when my mom said “I bought you hamburger that is already cut up into patty shapes. Just turn the stove on, PUT A PAN ON THE STOVE, and cook the patty until it stops bleeding.”
I don’t even remember the setting the stove needed to be on. That’s how good I am at cooking.
I’m fucking awesome at microwaving though. I’m also pretty hardcore at using my toaster oven to cook things that should be actually cooked in the real oven.
I hope I don’t die.

Not to mention I hate to clean. That’s not completely true, I’m just lazy. I don’t clean forever then I clean everything in one fell swoop. Infrequently I’ll tidy up the slightest bit, like throw away the pop cans that have been collecting in my room (because I’m addicted to the fucking caffeine and go through about four 12 packs a month) or do some mop the kitchen floor.

Not the good mopping either, mind you. The really pansy mopping that involves not moving anything out of the way- this mostly stems from my pussy girl-strength and inability to lift refrigerators- and maneuvering around random objects that may be lying on the floor.

I also don’t know how to sew. I get rips in my pants and think “Oh, this can be considered stylish” or “No one should be looking at my crotch anyways” Occasionally buttons will fall off, at which point I freak out then scope out friends for their help. Sometimes I lose the extra button that came with it, then my friend tells me I’m really lame for not knowing how to sew and I should probably learn that or I will never have a husband who loves me because I do not like sports and I do not know how to fix my car by myself and I can not cook or even fix clothes and I also hate to clean.
Well, they don’t really say that, but you get the gist of it.


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