I’m a raging optimist with pessimistic intentions

I’m an optimist…mostly. I’m never actually pessimistic about anyone else, only myself. If someone wants something good to happen to them, I think “Those lucky bastards, it’s definitely going to happen to them because they’re lucky and I’m not. I wish I had their luck. Then I bet I would be awesome all the time. *instead of most of the time*”
By the way, I thought the thoughts in those asterisks within my other thoughts, so it was like super thinking.

If someone told me “I really want to get into Harvard….but my GPA is a 2.6….” I would tell them “You’ll definitely get in!” Then explain to them why they would get in.
Then when it did happen, I wouldn’t even be remotely surprised. Because I am an optimist. Sometimes.

No, my raging pessimism is geared towards myself. I’ll be all happy and carefree, then remember I need something to happen because it’s very important, and think “Well great, I’m screwed now.” This is brought on by instances when I’m minding my own business and remember “Shit, I forgot to pick up my prescription. Oh, it’s only 3pm, the pharmacy doesn’t close until 5pm” Then I do what I need to finish, get to the pharmacy, and the pharmacy yells OH FUCK YOU WE CLOSED AN HOUR EARLY FOR UNDISCLOSED REASONS HAHAHA
Then I don’t get my medicine and I die/get pregnant/forget to get it the next day.
True story.

Well, I guess my pessimism doesn’t encompass everything in my life, just most of the things. These things include: my looks, my relationship, my aspirations, my schedule.

So on a normal day in that same pharmacy story, I would actually say (expecting everything to fail) “MOTHER FUCKER, I HAVE TO GET MY PRESCRIPTION FROM THE PHARMACY TODAY, WHAT TIME IS IT? DAMNIT, IT’S 3PM ALREADY AND THE PHARMACY CLOSES AT 5PM, I NEED TO LEAVE NOW. SHIT, I BET THERE’S FUCKING ROADWORK, OR I’M GOING TO HIT SOMEONES BUMPER AND WASTE AN HOUR SWAPPING INFORMATION, OR THE FUCKING PHARMACY IS GOING TO BE ON FIRE BUT THE FIRE DIDN’T ACTUALLY START UNTIL HALF AN HOUR BEFORE I GOT THERE”

Then I get there, and the pharmacy closed an hour early for an undisclosed reason, but I am not surprised. Not even a little, because I was prepared for disappointment.

It’s this preparation that makes me a pessimist. If I think something bad is going to happen to me, and I keep bringing myself down because of it, if the bad thing does happen I’m not disappointed. But then, if the bad thing DOESN’T happen, I get to be pleasantly surprised and have an awesome day! Points for me and my awesome day!

This is also probably why I’m an optimist towards other people. If I bring them up and get them all excited then the thing doesn’t happen, I don’t have to deal with the disappointment, they do! So there’s no risk towards myself. Good god I’m a terrible person.

I wasn’t always pessimistic towards myself. I was just an optimist all the time forever. It wasn’t until I got old enough to realize I had inherited the worst luck in the world from my mother. I guess my father also seemed to have this bad luck, so I’m not sure if I have the same bad luck as them, or if it combined to form one all-powerful swarm of bad luck that has me forever in it’s strong grasp of reality.

This bad luck is also shown by me playing chance games. These chance games are always on game based sites, such as Gaia or Maplestory. I always lose. Whether it’s me spending hours trying to get a special drop from a monster on an MMO, or playing a lottery-type game to win an item, I always lose. Then, as I lose, I get to watch my friend succeed the first time he tried in what I just played 20 times. But of course he wins the first time, everyone has awesome luck.

Even if that person normally has mediocre luck, once they get near me they all have awesome luck. This is why I am able to tell most friends with strong sincerity that they’re going to accomplish whatever it is they’re trying to accomplish, because when I tell them this they are near me and I am sucking up all of their bad luck as if I were some giant bad-luck-sucking slut black hole.

It’s sort of like how I’m the palest person on earth, so everyone who compares their skin to mine, tanned or not, looks Hispanic.

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