Professional Store Loiter-er

You know, jobs are a lot like rule 34. I feel like they should be referred to as rule 34 and a half, because it’s basically “If you can think of it, there’s a job for it.”
Turkey masturbator? Yep.
Alligator Catching? Yes, and easily one of the most badass professions.
Body Sushi?
MMO Gold Farmer?
Paper Towel Sniffer?
Bounty Hunter?
Pet Detective?
These are jobs. THESE ARE JOBS IN THE REAL WORLD. Somebody gets paid to lay down naked, coat herself in sushi, then rich business men pay huge god damn wads of cash to eat it off of her. Or, yen, I guess.
What I’m getting at is, I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. Certainly not that though.
My plan was to get a pussy ass liberal arts degree and go onto law school, but what if I can’t get in?
What if I can’t afford it?
What if I graduate law school and can’t find a job?
I need something that I can fall back on, and that will be my college degree. So I learned I can’t be a Tree Drawing major, or an Elementary English major, I need to get a real fucking major, AND DO IT.
But what do I do? What, when I finish college and fail at law school, do I want to do?
The answer is science. I want to be a zoologist, but I can’t. There’s no way I can pass the intense math needed to be a Zoology major- the same reason I can’t be a Veterinarian. my original dream job.
So it’s up to me to find a job I want to do and figure out what degree I need to acquire to do it. I just, like most people, don’t know what I want.
Rule 34 and a half, and I can’t decide. I can’t even begin to think about what I want to do because I’m so overwhelmed by all of this.

I’m going to make a list of my skills, and try to decide what job I can excel at using all, or most, of them.

1. Critical Thinking. I’m capable of thinking in almost any situation, as long as they don’t involve tigers near my throat or prostitutes near my wallet
2. Data analyzing. I know the difference between cookies (the browser cookie) or cookies (the soft baked kind)
3. Jump rope sitting down
4. Predict what time it is based on the last time I looked at a clock
5. I can pur, like a real cat. Like in the back of my throat. Not that fake roll-your-tongue shit purring.
6. Able to frown at a professional level
7. I taught my dog to read once
8. Able to look like a creep at a professional level
9. I can name all the presidents in order
10. Good at running. Though I don’t want anything shady, like professional purse thief or professional runner from rapists.
11. Guildmaster
12. Guiltmaster
13. All of my luck exudes to everyone else so they’re completely lucky all the time while I continuously get hit by cars and struck by lightning.
14. I can carbonate any liquid (except nitrogen)
15. Ability to make tiny muffins
16. Writing essays
17. Golf-luge
18. Mole Crab hunter
19. Tibetan tip-toe monk
20. Chocolate Magician

I think that’s about it. All of these point to my only job opportunities being pedophile or shoe salesmen. Or both, as they seemed to go hand in hand as my childhood experience would prove.

I think I could actually be an awesome salesmen. But like, a word salesman. Like when you see an ad that describes the product as completely orgasmic and something only God himself could create with his own two hands. I could be that person. I’m so good at making up bullshit. I should probably add that to the list.


4 thoughts on “Professional Store Loiter-er

  1. I think Chocolate Magician would also qualify you for work as an Oompa Loompa, but I’m not sure if Oompaloompism is something that can be converted to or if you have to be born into it, like a brahmin.

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