I’m afraid one is going to fly into my mouth while I’m sleeping

So I used to get ladybugs in my house a lot. Everyone did, it’s how you knew winter was coming!
Well, maybe not everyone, but everyone at least has stories about them.
I didn’t really like them because I hate having things fly into my hair. It scares the shit out of me and it’s very rude on the bugs part. I have thick long hair, so something flying into it tends to freak me the fuck out. It lands, struggles, I struggle, and suddenly I’m pulling out pieces of bug and strands of hair. It’s awful.
When the lady bugs would come for winter I would normally only see a few. Maybe 5 at the most in one room on any given day. Not only would there only be a few, but they would normally limit themselves to my ceiling light and more or less stay out of my way.
Until they started flying around like a spastic cocaine-filled helicopter pilot at least. So me and the ladybugs, we didn’t get along, but we were usually pretty chill.

This year, however, I have seen a new enemy in my house. These pests are bigger than ladybugs, and much more annoying. My fear of things flying into my hair has raised substantially since they’ve been trespassing. This year, instead of the cute, delicate, almost poetic ladybugs fluttering around uninvited, I instead have gross, awful, fat, ugly, stinkbugs. The correct name for them is brown marmorated stink bug. And their scientific name is Halyomorpha halys, which sounds redundant but still infinitely better than stinkbug. You might as well call them buttbugs. Gross things.

I hate them. I hate that they’re in my house. I hate how often I have to catch them and put them back outside (because I’m a bleeding heart) and I hate how every time I do that I start thinking “GOD DAMNIT, THE SAME ONES PROBABLY KEEP COMING IN” Then I look at both of my cats in disgust at their inability to carry out their duties.
On top of all that, when I accidentally kill them it’s even worse. The crunching sound their bodies produce when smashed is vomit inducing. It’s almost as bad as the time I watched my cat eat a moth that had a body about the size of my boyfriends long, skeletal thumb. When the cat bit into the moth it sounded like someone eating a chip.
Then after the completely horrific crunching noise comes a smell. A gross smell, which is obviously what penned the name “buttbug”
The smell can be described almost as spicy. It’s strong, and makes sure to caress every single olfactory sensor as it wafts through your very soul.

I don’t know why they’re in my house or how they got here. I checked all the windows and there are no cracks, and there are screens in each one that is even possible to be opened to protect me from disgusting alien bug things. The only thing I can think is that there may be gaps between the air conditioning units that they’re crawling between like the worlds creepiest and most revolting spy unit.

When Justin gets home from his job of helping the elderly and mentally disabled we’re going to destroy every last one of the god damned beasts that plague this house.Then we’re taking the air conditioners out so I can make sure they won’t drag their repugnant bodies back into the only place I thought I could safely sleep.


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