Questionably useful descriptions that only make the product seem more useless.

I’ve been reading things- articles, descriptions for products to buy, and reading all of these things has been making me ask questions. Questions questioning the point of these descriptions, so I’m going to ask them out loud now.

This is taken from an article regarding a premium service on Xbox that allows you to pay a monthly fee to access a program that’s somewhat like able subscription- (source)

“But, if you are willing to pay, you can see live Premier League football games, get Sky One on-demand and connect with online friends at the same time, using headsets to speak while you’re watching.”

Can’t I use a phone to talk to friends while I’m watching TV? Or better yet, invite them over and we can watch TV together? Why do I even need this service, I already have cable. Also, this costs $50 a month, my cable with 500 channels, on-demand, DVR and HD costs $54 a month, why would I pay $50 for a limited number of channels?
WHY WOULD A HIGHLIGHTED FEATURE BE TALKING TO MY FRIENDS WHILE I’M WATCHING TV, ANYWAYS?
DO THEY REALLY THINK I WANT TO HEAR THEIR DRABBLE WHILE I’M TRYING TO FUCKING CONCENTRATE ON THE LATEST ADVENTURE OF CELESTIA AND HER PONY PALS.

This one was extorted from this year5s December issue of the Game Informer magazine, which I can’t link directly to the source as I own the magazine physically. It advertises a $100 device/app combo that allows you to use your smartphone as a remote.

“Its swipe controls also let you adjust volume and video playback with simple swipes and taps to your phone. It’s like having a personal television butler that sits in your hand and never complains about his salary.”

…You mean like a remote? I can also adjust the volume and video playback with simple taps to the volume and video playback buttons! And last I checked my remote doesn’t complain about his salary, either. He also doesn’t complain about being stuck between my butt and the couch cushions, or accidentally call co-workers in those raucous moments you’re making sweet, sweet love.

This one comes from a Thinkgeek product description talking about a wall mount for your iPad (source)

“Mount your tablet on any smooth surface!

Hang your tablet from fridge, cabinet, or wall
Great for reading recipes…”
Do you know what else is great for reading recipes? Notepads. And they don’t cost $500 so even if they DO fall off my refrigerator I don’t really give a shit. Speaking of which, why would you want to hang your ipad up on the wall, aside from the obvious uses like reading your recipes? What will hanging it up accomplish? Hands free operation because your hands are grimy from all the cookies you’ve been forming? But then you can’t operate it anyways, because it’s touch screen so you had better hope to god that recipe fits on the entire screen. The description also suggests I use the wall mounts to mount the ipad so I can watch movies. The fuck would I want to do that? The screen is like 9.7 inches, and mounting it on my wall it would be even further from my face. I have a hard enough time seeing my 27 inch that’s mounted three feet away from me on my wall. Not to mention, do I really trust hanging a delicate and expensive system that would break if I dropped it 6 inches, better yet several feet, up on my wall? Or refrigerator, for that matter. The short answer is no. I barely trust wall mounts and they’re fucking nailed and bolted into my house’s infrastructure. I still worry my TV is going to fall out of my wall because it’s fucking floating. THINGS THAT WEIGH THAT MUCH SHOULDN’T JUST FLOAT. So no, I’m not going to hang my $500 electronic device up on the wall with basically powerful tape and glue several feet away from the ground so I can read my god damned recipes.

This one isn’t really a description, I just don’t understand. I have never been a fan of the Harry Potter series because I missed the fandom racecar when it zoomed on by those years ago. I had only ever seen the first movie and read the first book, so I’m completely blind on this prospect. One of my friends showed my a collectors item that was made to resemble Hermoine’s Time Tuner. Apparently, she used the time tuner so she could technically be in multiple places at once and take extra classes. Which I have got to say must be the most horrendously grotesque way to use something that can bend space and time to your will unless you’re a ghost who was cursed into being able to only make stupid and outrageously boring decisions with the coolest object in existence.
At any rate my question to the item in question is- why didn’t she use it to go back into time and kill Voldemort? I was told there were rules to using the object by my more savvy friends, but none of them could explain why she couldn’t go back to kill him. The best explanation I got was that then she never would have met Harry and that would be sad. That’s not a very good reason.

And to end this post and give a little insight on where the inspiration for this came from, why is my browser automatically subscribed to the UK news? I bought a new computer, downloaded firefox, and UK news was already subscribed in my RSS feed. What the hell. I’m not from the UK, and Sony doesn’t have a large corporation in the UK so I know my computer didn’t come from there. That means it must be on Firefox’s end, so Firefox is British?
That shouldn’t be ended with a question mark, because according to my RSS it is fact. Firefox is British.

I have a forum spring apparently. I made it a year ago and forgot about it. SO COME ASK ME QUESTIONS! http://www.formspring.me/Skarmy

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2 thoughts on “Questionably useful descriptions that only make the product seem more useless.

  1. glad to read about somebody who’s looking to write something beyond the standard “i did this today” post and has something that may at least make you interested in paying attention to your surroundings and products

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