Easy Homemade Peanut Butter

This documentary right here is currently on Kickstarter, and it’s something I’m very interested in and think other people should be too. I wanted to try to bring a little more attention to it, because there’s only 6 more days to the Kickstarter and it’s so close to being funded!

This documentary highlights the ridiculous amounts of sugars and carbohydrates that have been advertised to us and snuck into our foods for the last several decades. It focuses mainly on the diabetes epidemic that has been spreading and what it is, exactly, that’s causing it. Just click the link and read about it on the Kikcstarter page, they even have a preview of their documentary available!

Now that my weekly advertising is out of the way, I made peanut butter! From scratch! It was super easy too, it only took three ingredients. The recipe I followed called for peanut oil, but like everything in the world I can do it with I substituted coconut oil. I got a super sweet peanut butter that is amazing and 100% pure.

15 oz. unsalted peanuts

1 teaspoon kosher salt

1 1/2 teaspoon honey (or agave nectar, whatever is your thing)

1 1/2 tablespoon coconut oil (or peanut oil)

Alright I lied it took four. Now that trust issues have been formed, put peanuts, salt, and honey in a processor (I use my amazing nutribullet) and blend for about a minute. If it gets stuck shake it around a little (probably don’t do this if you’re using a big blocky processor)

Now add your delicious coconut oil a little at a time. I usually add it in half a tablespoon intervals and blend in between. Soon you will have creamy and delicious peanut buttery confection to add to bananas, breads, oatmeals, smoothies, or everything you eat for the next week.

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(Healthy) Fried Potatoes, Onions and Eggs!

I have my camera so it’s time to talk about my favorite thing! I get a new favorite thing quite often. I eat this thing daily, and especially after my workout. It’s full of delicious protein to get you going. I’m also going to show you how to make it FAST, because frying potatoes can take forever most of the time.

But here you are, reading the title, and thinking “HEALTHY FRIED POTATOES? BLASPHEMY. FRYING IS THE EPITOME OF UNHEALTHINESS.” And to that I say, yeah it kind of is. But we are frying these things in good fats! We’re frying it in everyone’s favorite coconut oil.

Fats are a requirement for a healthy diet, and coconut oil is one of the best sources of fat out there. We’re also not going to use a lot of it, so it’s all going to turn out A-okay.

yum yum eat me up

For my usual amount, which makes a decent sized bowl but is only enough to feed one person, I use half and onion and half a standard russet potato. Chop up the onions into smallish pieces. You’re going to be eating them, so whatever size onion cubes you enjoy putting into your gullet, cut them into those sizes.

Now peel the potato and wrap it up in a damp paper towel. Put that sucker into the microwave for about two minutes. While that’s being partially prepared heat up a skillet and pour in about half a tablespoon of coconut oil. You’re going to be frying your onions to a delicious caramelized brown in this.

Do that. That was the next step; caramelize those fuckers. Beep beep beep goes the microwave. Your potato is ready to be collected! It is incredibly hot, so don’t take it out with your bare hands (I try to do this every. single. time.) Get it over to a cutting board and cube it up. Again, whatever cube sizes you most enjoy eating. The smaller they are the easier they are to fry.

Now push all your onions to the corners of the pan and add another half a tablespoon of coconut oil. Drop all of your slightly baked, adorably cubed potatoes into the skillet and FRY FRY FRY!! Pour some preferred spices onto your potatoes, I just use salt, pepper, garlic and parsley.  I usually fry them for 3-5 minutes, depending on how hungry I am. Since you microwaved them they’re already soft in the middle, so you no longer have to worry about frying until it’s done all the way through.

Now is time for the egg. This is actually going to be scrambled. In a bowl drop one or two or three eggs. (It depends on if this is post or pre-workout for me) Add just egg whites to the bowl if you want.

Add some milk into the bowl. I don’t actually know why, my mom just always did this when making scrambled eggs so I do too. I use almond milk for this instead of regular milk, so that and soy milk will work just find.

Now get a whisk or a fork and mix that all up. Go back over to the skillet and move all those potatoes out of the way, into the same pile as the onions. They’re in trouble right now. Pour the eggs onto the skillet and add some more salt and pepper if you’d like. Mix the potatoes and the onions into the egg and stir fry them all together. In about a minute your egg should be good looking and your meal is complete!

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Does life get any better? No. This is the end of the road. Everything else is going to be a disappointment compared to this.

Bask in your potatoes with a slightly crispy exterior without the bad feelings or surprisingly long amount of time it takes to fry them without using the microwave first.

Honey Mustard Chicken

We made some honey mustard chicken for dinner. It is incredibly easy to do and turned out super delicious. Pre-heat your oven to 350 degrees. (Try to do this before you get everything ready or you’re stuck waiting for the oven to heat up. Because I forgot to do that.)

Get two pounds of chicken in your preferred cut (we used skinless and boneless thighs) and smatter them in salt and pepper. And by “smatter them” I mean “use a light rub on either side.” Now place them gingerly with the care you would use on a baby into a baking dish that comfortably fits all of the delicious chickens.

Next get 1/2 cup of honey and 1/2 cup of dijon mustard. Add slightly more or less depending on what taste you want to be stronger. If you’re super gourmet (we are not) add in a teaspoon of dried basil and a teaspoon of  paprika. My mom likes to use these spices, but I didn’t have those on me because I’m a cooking baby. Pour half of this golden brown mixture that can only be described as “what must be flowing in the rivers of heaven” all over your chicken. Brush some over to make sure it is completely covered. Toss that soon-to-be succulent chicken into the oven and let it bake for 30 minutes.

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After 30 minutes take the chicken out and flip it over in the dish. As you will see your chicken has created its own gravy and your sauce has gotten 33% more delicious. Cover this new side of the chicken with the sauce that it is currently swimming in. Throw that (gently, remember like a baby) back into the oven for about another 10 minutes. Mostly just make sure when it comes out the pink is the middle is gone and the juices are running clear. Dont want to get salmonella…or whatever horrible disease was inside uncooked chicken.

Now is your chance to make some delicious sides to go with your chicken feast! We ate this with the sauce over rice, but honestly we eat everything over rice. We also had some sweat peas and cherries.  By the time you’re sides are done (if you’re a timing master. We are not) your chicken should be complete! Take that sucker out and bask in its glory.

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bask in it.

Great job! You have successfully made one of the most delicious ways to bake chicken, and it only took 4 minutes to prepare! You didn’t even have to marinate anything! Sit down and enjoy that shit. 

89 days, 14 hours and 27 minutes.

HEY GUYS! sorry I’ve been gone for about….two and a half months.
So I’ve been really busy with her lately. I’ve also been keeping a blog about it, so I wasn’t gone I was just in some parallel blogging universe of puppies.
It was pretty great.

I still don’t know how frequently I will be able to update because I’m still in the process of training my new dog. She is so great though. If you don’t have a dog you might be, by definition, the saddest person on earth.
Or a cat or a hamster or a bird. If you don’t have an animal. Because animals are pretty fucking great.

So as you may or may not know I live in the middle of fucking nowhere. That means when I say “I’m going to the beach this summer” IT’S REALLY FUCKING EXCITING! Usually I’m stuck here day in and day out with nothing to do because this town is small and I don’t drive because I’m afraid of driving because some one is probably going to hit me and oh god that guy doesn’t kook like he’s going to stop HE’S NOT GOING TO STOPHE’SNOTGOINGTOSTOP oh thank god he stopped.

People are just really scary in cars. Cars weigh like 2000 pounds. That’s crazy. That’s like being hit by a Rhino. Not only are cars HUGE and REALLY FUCKING HEAVY people are also huge jerks most of the time. They have places to be and obviously their places are SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS. They willing to rip your arm off and smack you over the face with it in order to get to their places first. I’ve been cut off by some guy changing lanes and forced to drive off the road to not get into a wreck three times. That’s three times too many. Not to mention around here 90% of the cars are trucks or SUV’s and I have a little baby hybrid so everyone is trying to kill me at all times.

So I don’t get out much, and that’s why going to the beach is exciting. That’s also why I’m trying to diet AGAIN. But this time I ran out and bought all sorts of healthy food, SO I CAN’T POSSIBLY FAIL.
I learned something about dieting. It’s really fun and exciting the first few days, but then it just sucks. Ihop is suddenly playing commercials because it took them 10 years but finally just two months ago you got one built 10 minutes down the road from you.
Then you have class at 8:00 in the morning until 1:30 in the after noon and Mcdonalds looks so delicious and inviting and their Mcdoubles are only $1!
But all you’re allowed to eat is fish and rice snacks. And juice. And McDonald doesn’t serve any of those things that aren’t fried in the fattest grease in the world.

Then you have to exercise too. Then you look at the amount of calories you burn exercising and you get really really depressed. Did you know running for half an hour only burns about 300 calories? And that’s if you’re running fast, and not doing that pussy fast walking-jog thing. That’s half a meal. You run for half an hour to run off half a meal. For reference it takes burning 3500 calories to lose a pound.
That’s depressing.

The diet was really exciting when I started. I went to the store all naive, thinking “This is going to be it. I’m going to buy low calorie, healthy snacks. I’m going to cook ALL MY OWN MEALS and they will all be Asian dishes and fish and rice. I’m going to exercise EVERY DAY and when I go to the beach I’m going to look like a super model.” Then why I was buying rice snacks and 100 calorie bite packs and loads of shrimp I started thinking about all the money I’m going to have to spend on new clothes once I’m skinny and cute. It’s been a week. Nothing is nearly as exciting as it used to be. I drag myself onto the treadmill and fast walk for half and hour then run for 5 minutes then walk for 15 minutes then run for 5 and I hate it it’s so boring and nothing good is ever one TV while I’m doing it.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. For a week. Aside from that I got a Playstation Vita. It’s pretty cool. The battery life is very satisfying. I find it runs out about half as slowly as my 3Ds. The graphics are phenomenal as well. It also has a bunch of neat apps like Facebook and Twitter for free, both being probably the cleanest and best working apps I have seen for any device. I actually update my Twitter now!! I just wish I had some more Vita friends to play with.

Sorry for the boring post, just wanted to let you know what I’ve been up to recently! I hope I can start updating again in the near future!

Christmas! With 3 other topics.

I wish you guys could see some of the rough drafts I have typed up. They’re fucking insane. And I don’t mean insane as awesome, I mean insane as in they kind of paint me as a psychopath. I was reading through paragraphs or sometimes just sentences I had written to get an idea down that maybe I would want to write about later, but I don’t know what the hell past me was thinking. One of these, for instance, is “Bees on a bus” and the title for the post is “Air conditioner vs. Heaters.” Where does that leave me? WHERE WAS I GOING? Some of my longer ones just trail off, like
“I made up some crazy ass games when I was little; we all have.
One of my favorite games was “Tumbles”
Now, Tumbles sounds completely adorable and sounds a bit like ”
….what? SOUNDS A BIT LIKE WHAT? How the hell am I supposed to do anything with these posts if I don’t even know what I was saying?
I’ve just decided to write about something else then, just like I always do when I’m faced with these shitty rough drafts I have partially typed.

I have been playing skyrim, like every other gamer in the current population. While I was playing Skyrim I found this hilarious book. It’s called Mysterious Akaver, and it makes no god damned sense. It’s about another continent near Tamriel and the races of creatures on it are Vamperic snake creatures, Tigers that stand upright and want to transform in to dragons- and their leader has, btw- a race of nice, courageous, and according to the book also dumb monkey people that keep getting attacked by all the other races, and demons that thaw out once a year and attack the other races. Mostly the monkeys. So me and my boyfriend are illustrating this book now, because it’s our current muse. Maybe you can see that later.

On a subject not involving Skyrim, Christmas is coming. This is the first Christmas away from anyone who knows what they’re doing to help me prepare it. As tradition, the day after thanksgiving I would help my grandma put her tree up. Her tree is made of plastic and we have to put it together, so it usually takes a couple hours.
Regarding our tree my mom would always put up a real one. I much prefer real trees. They smell nice, look nicer, and they’re just the beacon of Christmas time for me. That means this year we have to put up a real tree by ourselves.

I don’t really know how to take care of a real tree, either. I looked some guides up and they were pretty helpful. Apparently I’m supposed to cut 1/4th an inch off the base of the tree so that it sucks water up better. I don’t have a saw, so that may take awhile with a steak knife. I do have a tree stand though, and a tree skirt! Though I think I remember last year my mom saying something about the stand breaking.
I was going to make a joke about the tree skirt but I realized that would be really lame.

I want to buy eggnog this year, because we almost always have eggnog during Christmas since it’s one of the only times to buy it, but I’m really bad about perishable items. I can never finish them in time. I don’t trust myself to be able to finish entire carton by myself, and since my prehistoric boyfriend hates everything holiday and food related he won’t help me finish it.
Who hates eggnog? Alright, I can understand hating eggnog, but how do you also hate turkey and pumpkin pie AND STUFFING???
COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT.

So later tonight Justin is going to have to climb up the ladder to get to the Christmas decorations. Since they’re stored in the attic and the only way to get to the attic is to climb up a shaky ladder. It’s super dangerous when there’s snow on the ground.

It’s such a pain to go up and down from there. once we get the Christmas stuff from there we’ll probably box it up in a new container and stick it in the guest room with the Halloween stuff. Luckily though it’s not icy out tonight, so there shouldn’t be any problems getting into the attic.

Their tiny corpses litter my house

I am the winner. They were coming from the window my air conditioner was in. They made a little society on the side of my chimney and lived there, thriving, sneaking into my house through the tiniest cracks beside my air conditioner. I tried duct tape, and was unsuccessful. I tried spearing their tiny bodies on toothpicks and putting them outside the window on show to the others as a threat, but it was to no avail. They kept coming, marching their tiny, disgusting army into my house. There was one stinkbug, then three, then eight, then 14, then OH GOD WHERE DO THEY KEEP COMING FROM.
But I finally won.

The air conditioner is in a window directly beside and a little above the end of my bed. I very much prefer being cold to hot, so I like to keep the air conditioner near me, much to my boyfriend’s chagrin. This is why the stinkbugs were such a threat. They would crawl in through tiny openings and suddenly they were right beside me on my bed. Watching me sleep, watching me breath, breathing my air. Like some kind of uninvited rapist.
Then again I guess all rapists would be uninvited, yeah?

Me and my dinosaur boyfriend moved the air conditioner out of the window, which was a retarded mistake because his tiny arms couldn’t even hold it.


But we got it out! He actually put it down on the bed, which was a bad idea because it started leaking everywhere. It hadn’t been blowing for a few hours so we thought it would be ok and not leak everywhere. Shortly after we freaked out and moved the air conditioner off the bed and on the floor instead then put all our blankets and sheets into the drier, he had to leave for work. Leaving me alone and unprotected with all the stinkbugs.

I ran into the guest bedroom where we keep our screen for the window the air conditioner was in and struggled to put it back on the window. This was partly due to the fact I was afraid of stinkbugs flying on my face while I was hanging there halfway outside the window, and partly because I’m an idiot.

But still, after the air conditioner was removed and the screen was in place, they were still getting in. I don’t know where the hell they were coming from, I still don’t really, I just patched up a couple slivers of spaces that may be able to possible allow the fat, ugly bodies of the stinkbugs crawl in. I’m hoping the last few I saw were stragglers that were already in before I fixed everything about my window.
I’m hoping.

Now I take sport in opening my window and flicking my screen and watching the all fall off at once. Because I am the dominant species and the winner of this house.

Professional Store Loiter-er

You know, jobs are a lot like rule 34. I feel like they should be referred to as rule 34 and a half, because it’s basically “If you can think of it, there’s a job for it.”
Turkey masturbator? Yep.
Alligator Catching? Yes, and easily one of the most badass professions.
Body Sushi?
MMO Gold Farmer?
Paper Towel Sniffer?
Bounty Hunter?
Pet Detective?
These are jobs. THESE ARE JOBS IN THE REAL WORLD. Somebody gets paid to lay down naked, coat herself in sushi, then rich business men pay huge god damn wads of cash to eat it off of her. Or, yen, I guess.
What I’m getting at is, I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. Certainly not that though.
My plan was to get a pussy ass liberal arts degree and go onto law school, but what if I can’t get in?
What if I can’t afford it?
What if I graduate law school and can’t find a job?
I need something that I can fall back on, and that will be my college degree. So I learned I can’t be a Tree Drawing major, or an Elementary English major, I need to get a real fucking major, AND DO IT.
But what do I do? What, when I finish college and fail at law school, do I want to do?
The answer is science. I want to be a zoologist, but I can’t. There’s no way I can pass the intense math needed to be a Zoology major- the same reason I can’t be a Veterinarian. my original dream job.
So it’s up to me to find a job I want to do and figure out what degree I need to acquire to do it. I just, like most people, don’t know what I want.
Rule 34 and a half, and I can’t decide. I can’t even begin to think about what I want to do because I’m so overwhelmed by all of this.

I’m going to make a list of my skills, and try to decide what job I can excel at using all, or most, of them.

1. Critical Thinking. I’m capable of thinking in almost any situation, as long as they don’t involve tigers near my throat or prostitutes near my wallet
2. Data analyzing. I know the difference between cookies (the browser cookie) or cookies (the soft baked kind)
3. Jump rope sitting down
4. Predict what time it is based on the last time I looked at a clock
5. I can pur, like a real cat. Like in the back of my throat. Not that fake roll-your-tongue shit purring.
6. Able to frown at a professional level
7. I taught my dog to read once
8. Able to look like a creep at a professional level
9. I can name all the presidents in order
10. Good at running. Though I don’t want anything shady, like professional purse thief or professional runner from rapists.
11. Guildmaster
12. Guiltmaster
13. All of my luck exudes to everyone else so they’re completely lucky all the time while I continuously get hit by cars and struck by lightning.
14. I can carbonate any liquid (except nitrogen)
15. Ability to make tiny muffins
16. Writing essays
17. Golf-luge
18. Mole Crab hunter
19. Tibetan tip-toe monk
20. Chocolate Magician

I think that’s about it. All of these point to my only job opportunities being pedophile or shoe salesmen. Or both, as they seemed to go hand in hand as my childhood experience would prove.

I think I could actually be an awesome salesmen. But like, a word salesman. Like when you see an ad that describes the product as completely orgasmic and something only God himself could create with his own two hands. I could be that person. I’m so good at making up bullshit. I should probably add that to the list.