Dismantle The Waterarchy

So I hate water. I tell people I hate water and I always get the same excuses, “water is so refreshing it doesn’t even taste like anything nothing is better than icey cold water aren’t you worried you’re going to dehydrate and die” blah blah blah

LIES, ALL OF IT. Water does have a taste and that taste is “a giant waste of my time.” If i wanted to drink something that tastes like “nothing” I’d scoop some air into my cup and sip on that. And that’s just purified water, anything from tap that isn’t flavored in some way, shape or form straight up makes me sick.

But anyways, according to my doctor apparently I have been having dehydration problems, and I guess since water is “good for you” and “seriously Skylar you need to drink it or you will die” and whatever  I’m going to start drinking more of it. Here is my plan of action to keep me from dying:

Water drinking app

So I’m the type of person that likes to make everything in life a needless competition. What’s the point of living if you can’t be better at it than someone. Luckily there are apparently people that agree with that possibly unhealthy mentality and they have created an app (actually a few apps) for COMPETITIVE WATER DRINKIIIINNNGG (read that in the space jam announcer voice followed by that catchy electronic number) I’m using Hydro Coach for this which makes you sign in

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don’t leave sad balloon i promise to try harder

but there are a lot of other great water tracking apps that don’t require you to put anything in. I like this one since it let’s me post results to social media which is the best way for me to compare results with my friends, and also because it gives me ACHIEVEMENTS. I’ve been a dirty achievement whore since trophies were introduced on ps3, and I have to say, thank god for superfluous competitions and rewards.

Insulation Water Bottles

If there’s anything I hate more than water its room temperature water. Luckily refrigerators exist these days and you can live your life without ever having to put the disgusting substance anywhere near your mouth. Unfortunately self refrigerating glasses and water bottles don’t exist yet and I take way longer to drink my water than it takes to stop being cold and start being more urine-like in temperature. Instead of self refrigerating bottles I will take the next best thing, Insulated water bottles. The one I use is a Zojirushi, and it’s as cute as it is effective.
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It claims to be able to keep beverages hot or cold for 6 hours, but in my experience it works way longer than that. Maybe those are the hours it can keep your drinks super hot or super cold with no real temperature loss. I don’t know, all I know is I regularly go 12 hours or more with chilly water in this thing. It’s completely resistant to cooling or warming from outside too. I left this thing in the car for an hour on a balmy 103 July afternoon and when I got back in the bottle was really fucking hot and the drink was as cold as ever.

Not actually drinking water

Yeah don’t look at me. I hate water and I have made that abundantly clear; didn’t you think one of these entries was going to be about drinking things that aren’t completely water. I have been getting most of my water recently in the form of Gatorade powder mixes. I’d say probably 70% of my current water intake is in the form of Gatorade. I like the powder mixes because I can control how much Gatorade is actually in my water. I only use about 1/2 the regular amount when I mix so it’s not as bad as it could be.

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Look at how horrifically refreshing

Iced tea is responsible for a lot of my water intake too. I can’t keep a lot of it in the fridge since there’s not a ton of room, but it’s easily my favorite water substitute. And unlike Gatorade it doesn’t have any sugar in it since I prefer mine unsweetened. Green tea is my favorite, but there’s some awesome black tea flavors available like banana cream and peach pie.

I never liked those flavorings that you add to water. They all taste way too artificial so they’re not really an option for me. It sucks too because they’re really convenient to carry in your bag so you can flavor your horrifically boring water on the go.

Sparkling Water

This is my favorite option. It’s (arguably) the healthiest water avoiding option on the list since I’m not actually avoiding water at all when I use it. I have an unhealthy obsession with soda, and it’s not the necter of the gods syrup in soda that fuels this desire, but the fizziness. I love fiz, but obviously buying a ton of overpriced fizzy water wouldn’t be very cost effective. Instead I use a soda stream. Unfortunately, after 4 years of hard labor the base model I got for $50 broke and now I’m in the market for a new one.

I also love this option because when I’m sick and tired of water (always) I can add some juice to my carbonated water and suddenly it’s like a beautiful homeade soda that took 5 seconds of work. I usually juice my own fruits for this since they almost always taste better than the “100%” juices that you buy in stores that usually have other weird things in them. Pineapple is my absolute favorite, and when I do use store bought juice to mix it’s usually cranberry with some other increasingly weird fruit mixed in.

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Apparently called Italian Soda

So there you go, and incredibly long post about how I hate water, how I need to drink more and how I’m going to go about doing it. I hope I gave some of you water haters some ideas, and some of you boring water lovers some ways to spice up your vanilla drink existence.